The Kirkinator
by The Child of Time
Summary: Kirk has a new genius invention to help him observe Stars Hollow's residents. Written for OLC ficathon.


**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. I RENT.

Written for OLC ficathon. **My prompt: Superheroes, American Idol, chap stick, a death.** The main focus of the story had to be Kirk.

This one's for Sophie and Louise who are probably the only people who will catch all of my Rent references and not think that it's totally pathetic.

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**The Kirkinator**

It was a bright, spring day in Stars Hollow and all of the townies seemed to be outside trying to absorb as much sun as possible. The pleasantly warm air was definitely welcomed, especially after such an extremely cold winter. Kirk was on his daily observation walk- he liked to think of himself as the eyes and ears of Stars Hollow. It was an honorable duty; he would watch his neighbors and assist them when he could. And, well, the pay was pretty good. Miss Patty, Babette, and East Side Tilly were always looking for the latest news, and Kirk kindly volunteered to give it to them…at a price. Sometimes, Miss Patty and Babette would offer more money to receive exclusive information. Or, better yet, a bidding war would break out between them and East Side Tilly over who would hear his information first. That's when Kirk would make the most money and allow himself to buy an extra grilled cheese sandwich from Luke's or buy some cookies for Lulu. She _really_liked chocolate covered Oreos.

Unfortunately, it didn't look like there was much happening today. But Kirk knew better than that. He had learned his skills from Inspector Clouseau, _Spy Kids_and Bond. James Bond. He knew that in order to get to the bottom of things and be first to discover breaking news, you have to stick your nose into other people's business. Spying was one of Kirk's many skills. He had even invented his own spy device- the Kirkinator.

"Babette is gardening" he stealthily whispered into his genius invention. "Same as she always does beginning around May 20 or when the temperature rises above fifty six degrees. This may or may not be related to the fact that May 20th is Pick Strawberries Day. She refuses to answer me. "

Babette looked up when she heard Kirk's voice. "Kirk!" she shouted, "Who the hell are ya talkin' to?"

Kirk's eyes darted nervously back and forth as he shoved the Kirkinator back into his pocket. "No one!" he yelled back, "You are obviously hearing things."

"Are ya goin' crazy?" Babette continued, "Like Charlie Manson? You don't seem smart enough to be the John Nash crazy, but if ya grew out your hair, you might look like Manson."

Kirk sighed. "I don't know what you're talking about, but I have important work to do today."

Babette nodded understandingly and turned her attention back to the plants. "Oh, you mean being a pain by spying on everyone? You might want to keep an eye on Joe. He's been really happy lately."

"I will find the cause of this sudden happiness!" Kirk said with a salute. "Goodbye, Babette." He then walked away, eager to get to Joe. Babette waited until he was a safe distance away before turning to her house.

"Morey! Kirk is tryin' to be like Manson!"

"I am not!" came Kirk's distant reply.

"Kids got ears bigger than an elephant." Babette muttered to herself.

--

Kirk entered the pizza place like a man on a mission. Which he was. He needed to find out exactly why Little Joe was happy. There had to be a reason, right? Happiness required a reason. Unless it was random happiness. Kirk loved random happiness. In fact, he was Stars Hollow's King of Random Happiness in December of 1989. But that was a different. Joe was not the king of Random Happiness. Taylor wouldn't betray Kirk like that!

"Kirk." Joe hissed. Joe didn't like Kirk. In third grade, Kirk had stolen his job as Official Pen Seller, which really wasn't fair since Kirk was already the Official Pencil Seller at the time. It was ridiculous for Kirk to be both the official Pencil Seller and the Official Pen Seller! Kirk had refused to give back the job though, and Kirk and Joe had been enemies ever since. Kirk was convinced that Joe sabotaged the pizza that burned his mouth in 2004.

"Joe." Kirk replied in the same disapproving tone, "I hear that you've been happy lately."

Joe gave Kirk an incredulous eyebrow raise. "Look at me. Do I LOOK happy to you, Kirk?"

"Not at the moment." Kirk admitted. "But this unjust anger towards me, an innocent customer, is just a façade. My sources tell me that you've been suspiciously happy as of late."

"My sources tell ME that if you're not out of this building in thirty seconds, I'm going to quite literally throw you out."

Kirk's eyes widened. "You can't do that! Only Luke can! It's our form of male bonding."

"Leave me alone, Kirk." Joe growled.

"Make me!"

Joe shrugged and walked out from behind the counter, making his way towards Kirk. Kirk didn't move, deciding to use his incredible wit to get him out of this situation.

"As a free citizen of the United States of America, I have the right to ask you why you are happy."

Joe rolled his eyes. "And I have the right to plead the fifth."

"Fine." Kirk pouted. "I will find out without your cooperation!" And with that threat, he stormed out of the building. He didn't need stupid Joe's help anyway. There had to be more exciting news to worry about. Joe didn't deserve to be the latest news. He wasn't worthy of Kirk's time and effort.

"Joe is a big meanie. A big meanie butt head." Kirk spat angrily into his Kirkinator, "I don't care if he's happy. I'm not even curious about the reason. I'm now approaching Miss Patty's. She appears to be teaching a class."

Kirk stopped outside the doorway of the dance studio and watched the clumsy little girls twirl in circles. He had been MUCH better at ballet when he was that age. Miss Patty had called him the star of the class. His fond memories were interrupted by Miss Patty.

"One, two, three, four. Ignore the man standing at the door. Five, six, seven, eight. Kirk! Go away, you're scaring the children."

"Do you know why Joe is happy?" Kirk asked, ignoring Miss Patty's request.

"His wife is pregnant." Patty answered offhandedly. She glanced at her watch and turned back to the class. "Okay, kiddies, class is over. Mimi, darling, please keep your tutu on."

Kirk's mouth opened and closed a few times in shock. "Why didn't I know this? I know EVERYTHING."

Patty shrugged. "I thought everyone knew."

"Does Babette know?" Kirk demanded in an accusatory voice.

"Of course. She's the one that told me. What is that in your hand, Kirk?"

Kirk shoved the Kirkinator into his pocket. "Nothing. Babette KNEW why Joe was happy and she still sent me after him?! I can't believe this. That was so mean of her! She knows I don't like him!"

"Calm down, Kirk." Patty soothed, "You're acting like you're three. Why don't you go find Lulu? She was looking for you earlier."

"I will. Good day, Madam!" Kirk once again stomped away with a pout firmly in place on his face.

--

It was at two o'clock that tragedy struck. Kirk was humming the alphabet song as he walked, being careful not to step on any cracks, because he really did love his mother. Unfortunately, keeping his eyes on the sidewalk prevented Kirk from seeing the huge tree in front of him and his loud humming made it impossible to hear Lulu's warning of "Kirk! Watch out for that-"

Kirk's body made a sickening _smack _as it collided with the sturdy tree. He seemed to bounce off the tree, causing him to fly backwards a bit and then hit the ground.

"-tree." Lulu muttered the end of her warning before running towards Kirk.

"Ow." Kirk complained.

Lulu helped him sit up. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I just-" And that was when Kirk saw it. Evita the kitten was stuck in the tree. "Oh my god!" Kirk screeched in an entirely unmanly voice. "Evita!"

Lulu tried to calm Kirk down like he was one of her students. "It's okay, Kirk. She's at home."

Kirk jumped into the air, swaying a little bit while his body tried to adjust to the new position. "She's up there!" he wailed, "I have to save her!"

"What?" Lulu looked up to where Kirk was pointing. "Oh no."

"I have to save her!" Kirk repeated desperately. "She's so young! She never deserved this."

"We can probably call someone to help, Kirk. I'm sure it'll be fine."

Kirk shook his head. "No. I must do this." He looked around, trying to find something to aid him in his quest to rescue the cat.

Lulu was a little bit afraid of what Kirk might try to do. "Are you sure? Maybe you should just wait until we find someone else."

"How could I ever look Cat Kirk in the face if I killed Evita?" Kirk asked. An idea suddenly occurred to him as he looked at Lulu. "Give me your sweater, please."

"Excuse me?" Lulu wondered if Kirk had suffered a mild concussion from his fall. He wasn't making any sense.

"Give me your sweater, Lulu!" Kirk repeated more urgently. "I can use it as a cape and climb this tree to save Evita! I'll be like a superhero. I can save the day!"

"Kirk…" Lulu sounded hesitant.

Kirk wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer. "Lulu. If you care about Evita at all, give me your sweater."

Five minutes later, Kirk- with a pink lacy sweater tied around his neck- was climbing up the tree. Lulu watched in horror as he slipped several times, always regaining his footing just before he fell. But Kirk didn't care about falling. He cared about saving Evita and bringing her back home. So he continued his climb until he finally reached the top of the tree.

"I've got her!" he shouted joyfully.

Evita meowed as Kirk picked her up. The cat was obviously terrified and kept trying to escape Kirk's arms. When she realized that meowing wasn't going to work, she started using her claws. Evita reached out and swiped at Kirk's face, successfully scratching his eye. Kirk screamed in pain and promptly tripped over the tree branch he was standing on. This time, he completely lost his balance.

"AAHHHH!" Kirk screeched as he fell through the air. He somehow managed to land on his feet, most likely because of his superior skills. As soon as they hit the ground, Evita jumped from Kirk's arms and ran off.

Lulu immediately hugged Kirk. "You were so brave!"

"Thank you." Kirk took off his 'cape' and returned it to Lulu. "Now all we have to do is run after Evita and bring her home. I'm sure Cat Kirk has missed her."

"What's that?" Lulu asked, pointing to the ground near Kirk's feet.

"A candy bar wrapper." Kirk frowned. "People these days…littering like ungrateful little-"

Lulu shook her head. "No…over there. To the left."

Kirk bent down to look. "It's…" He gasped in horror. "It's a…a dead caterpillar! Do you think I killed it?! Oh my god, I'm a murderer!" Kirk gently picked up the caterpillar and showed it to Lulu.

"That's Mrs. Crawly." Lulu said sadly, "She was our class pet. She went missing last week…"

"I can't believe this! Look what I've done!" Kirk hung his head in shame. "I'm so sorry, Mrs. Crawly."

--

There was a special town meeting called to discuss the death of Mrs. Crawly. Kirk sat in the back because he was too ashamed to sit in his normal spot. What if the whole town hated him now? He hadn't meant to! What if Taylor had him arrested for manslaughter?

Taylor banged his gavel to start the meeting. "Attention, please! There has been a death in our community. Mrs. Crawly the Caterpillar of the kindergarten class at Stars Hollow elementary escaped the classroom for freedom and was accidentally killed when Kirk fell on top of her."

"I'm sorry!" Kirk shouted, "I was trying to save an innocent life!"

Gypsy snorted. "And ended another one in the process. Wow."

Kirk opened his mouth to reply, but Patty spoke first. "It's alright, dear. A cat is more important than a caterpillar anyway."

"Yeah, a cat is like…a life time pet!" Babette agreed. "Apricot is like a kid to me. Ain't she Morey?"

Morey nodded. "Yeah, baby. Like a kid."

"Caterpillars?" Babette continued, "They just turn into butterflies and fly away to die."

Kirk's guilt was too much for him. "I took away Mrs. Crawly's opportunity to become a beautiful butterfly! I have to go." He stood up and left, heading for Luke's. Grilled cheese always made him feel better.

--

"What do you want, Kirk?" Luke asked impatiently. Kirk had been sitting at the counter staring at Luke for the past hour. Luke was pretty skilled in the area of ignoring Kirk's strange behavior, but the staring was creeping him out.

"Luke," Kirk whispered, "I've done something terrible."

Luke rolled his eyes. "What?"

"I….I killed Mrs. Crawly."

Luke's face remained blank. "Mrs….who?"

"The kindergarten class pet. She was a caterpillar, Luke! A beautiful caterpillar." Kirk explained

Luke picked up a towel and started wiping down the counter. "And you're telling me this because…."

Kirk stared guiltily at his coffee cup. "I need some help. The funeral is next week and I was wondering if you could build a casket."

Luke shook his head. "No."

"I remember you building a casket for Rory Gilmore's caterpillar! What makes _her _caterpillar so special? Is it-- Luke, do you think less of me because of my crime? I didn't mean it! I swear! Luke, no, I can't lose you!" Kirk was terrified of the town turning on him because of his horrible deed.

"Kirk, I don't care that you killed a bug, okay?" Luke reassured him.

This didn't calm Kirk down at all. "Well, if it's not because of my horrible crime...is it because you don't like Mrs. Crawly? Do you think she doesn't deserve the same opportunities as Rory's caterpillar? Is it because this caterpillar didn't have orange stripes like hers did? All caterpillars are equal, Luke! You can't discriminate against Mrs. Crawly! I'll tell Taylor and he will have you arrested."

Luke smirked. "Well, Kirk, I'll tell Taylor you're a cold blooded killer."

"You wouldn't!" Kirk gasped. "Mother said I wouldn't go to jail!"

Luke shrugged. "I don't know, Kirk. You're a pretty awful person."

Kirk spun around on his stool to face the few customers remaining in the diner. "Does everyone else hate me now?" he asked, trying not to show how hurt he was, "Are you all done associating with me?"

"I still love ya, Kirk!" Babette shouted from her table. Miss Patty quickly agreed and a few other people mumbled responses.

Kirk nodded and pulled out his Kirkinator to record this information. "It appears that although Luke- who I thought was a good friend- has turned his back on me, Babette and Miss Patty still care about me."

Babette looked concerned as she watched Kirk do this. "Are you talking to yourself AGAIN, Kirk?"

Patty shook her head. "No, he's obviously talking to his chap stick, see? He's got it right there in his hand."

"But..why would he do that? Do ya think he's got a microphone in there?" Babette asked.

Patty's eyes widened. "Oh my god, it's Watergate all over again!"

Kirk glared at the two women. Why did they have to be so nosy? Now they had blown his cover and insulted his genius invention. "This is more than just a chap stick with a microphone inside of it, ladies. This is the Kirkinator! It's the best spy device ever and I made it by myself."

Babette nodded. "Mhmm."

"Of course it is, Kirk." Miss Patty said.

Kirk watched with a scowl as the women leaned closer together to discuss another piece of gossip.

--

It was rainy on the day of Mrs. Crawly's funeral. Kirk thought it was appropriate for Mother Nature to be saddened by the death of such a young caterpillar. Now he stood in front of the townies that had come to mourn. He felt that being in charge of the funeral might help him ease his conscience.

"Dearly beloved," Kirk began solemnly, "We gather here to say our goodbyes. Here she lies!" He dramatically pointed at the tiny casket Lorelai had eventually bribed Luke into building. "No one knew her worth, the late great daughter of Mother Earth!"

"Kirk?" Lorelai interrupted Kirk's carefully rehearsed eulogy, "Are you going to start singing La Vie Boheme? Because I'm all for you showing us your skills. If you auditioned for American Idol, those judges wouldn't know what hit them! But there are little ears here, so probably not the best song."

"I didn't plan on singing such a fickle song, Lorelai! I'm currently in mourning. Some of us actually cared about Mrs. Crawly. Mrs. Crawly's death was rather unfortunate. I was trying to be a superhero and rescue Evita when…when I slipped on a tree branch and fell. All Mrs. Crawly wanted was her freedom. She shouldn't have had to die for that. Let us now have a moment of silence to honor such a brave caterpillar."

Two minutes and thirty six seconds later, not that Kirk was counting, he cleared his throat and continued. "You may now light your candles as we remember Mrs. Crawly."

Kirk lit his candle and looked down at Mrs. Crawly's casket. "Goodbye, love." he whispered, "I promise to be more careful when climbing trees from now on."

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**Continuing with the Rent theme....Reviewers will be rewarded with Roger jumping out of the computer to sing Your Eyes.**


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